Laura’s Bureau


Laura’s bureau status update
April 23, 2009, 10:12 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , ,

Laura’s bureau has found a very nice shelf to spend the rest of her life with. They will live facing the wall of pine which won’t stop being pine. When Laura’s bureau has gotten over the excitement of this new furniture arrangement, perhaps it will produce some more interesting words. In the mean time, I shit on the words.

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Weary of Woolies, Whittards and soon Wedgwood… time to cuss Bromley
January 5, 2009, 9:06 pm
Filed under: bromley, credit crunch, woolworths

The credit crunch is getting boring: retail sales figures, businesses going into administration (Deloitte and PwC seem to be doing very well out of this crisis), not to mention the plight of the lonely bite-size crunchies left in tins in offices waiting for workers to return from their extended holidays in January and eat them. It’s time to move on and moan about something else.

How about Bromley?

The suburban drudgery of the zombie commuters that was captured so well by Atilla the Stockbroker has always made Bromley poopy. It is an in-betweener place between somewhere amazing (London) and somewhere so bad that it has an appeal only to those with melancholy leanings or a sick sense of humour (Kent).

But for me, Bromley was confirmed as chief gruff nut to South-London last year when the small-minded residents turned out in droves to vote in the bigoted buffoon who we now call Mayor.

In 2009, it is high time that London wiped its arse clean.



We need some Stiglitz preachers
October 18, 2008, 3:04 pm
Filed under: credit crunch, Uncategorized | Tags: , , ,

As the credit crunch has become the credit crisis, everyone finds it funny now. We are all finding ways to laugh about it.

And consumers are still consuming. They are, however, making the move from the ‘finest’ to the ‘basic’ ranges. Times may be hard and getting harder, but the nation is tucking into continental meats from Lidl and will soon be dousing itself – or drinking – ‘Eruption’, the store’s quality after-shave. Shopping is still the nation’s favourite past-time.

This week in the West Midlands – that most grim of England’s regions that has not one but at least three of the worst cities in the country on many of the measures available – 3,000 people queued overnight to be the first in line for the opening of a new Currys megastore with promises of a half-price sat nav system that would help guide them around the traffic jam they had created.

Had this been a city-centre store rather than an out of town store, those queuing may have had to listen to one of the many preachers who tell shoppers of their sins through megaphones, coaxing them out of Woolworths and into the preachers’ own deluded worlds. Scientologists try this more quietly by whisking shoppers away with the promise of a stress test, a cup of tea and a stranger kind of salvation.

But does shopping need the kind of religious salvation that these preachers promise? Would it not be better if those who knew about the economic order of the world got out their megaphones and preached Stiglitz?

Instead of ‘God’, ‘Jesus is Lord’ or ‘Be More Cause in Life’ sewn over the go-faster stripes of their tracksuit bottoms, these preachers could have ‘Tiny little prices = tiny little fingers’ instead. ‘It is not just the mushroom factory lighting in TK Maxx that makes it hard to see,’ they could shout. ‘Free yourself and the rest of the high street will follow.’

We need some Stiglitz preachers.



in the credit crunchie
September 18, 2008, 1:23 pm
Filed under: credit crunch | Tags: , , , ,

There’s been a lot about the credit crunch recently. Consumers of Sunday newspapers learn about how the credit crunch might affect them by reading about suburban solicitor’s who have been forced out of their cars and onto public transport.

Every headline seems to have the phrase ‘in the credit crunch’ added to it. Chocolate in the credit crunch. Funerals and corpse donation in the credit crunch. Fat children in the credit crunch. Fried chicken and burgers in the credit crunch. Indeed, this has become so commonplace that when reading them, I inadvertantly add those four words to the end of every headline I read.  Everything must be seen in light of the credit crunch.  Even Guildford.

But there are two questions that all this commentary and analysis have failed to shed any light on.

Firstly, why has Cadbury’s not brought out a limited edition credit crunchie? Not only would this be fun, tasty and trend-setting but it would also help to restore consumer confidence. Going into their local budgens or lidl to buy a couple of credit crunchies to sell on ebay or to stockpile when the future food crisis bites, consumers would be reminded of the things that they have neglected to buy over the last few months, though many have still been ‘truffling around for bargains’. Confidence would be restored, retailers would no longer see such devasting cuts to their billlions of profit and fat cats would keep their weight up.

Secondly, admist all the talk of whether the latest victims of the credit crunch – Lehman Brothers employees – will get refunded for the money they have put on their canteen cards, not one commentator asked whether crunchies had been the first chocolate bar to sell out.

Perhaps the FAQs that have appeared in most newspapers and sites need to take on a lighter tone and educate us about the role of the crunchie in the credit crunch.  This might be more digestable – depending on how much you like honeycomb – than what the top 1% are doing with most of the world’s bish.



Flying ant funeral
July 24, 2008, 11:57 am
Filed under: dead flying ants not aunts, fly funeral, fried chicken, laura, the bureau

As Alan Johnson calls for a national movement on obesity and David Cameron is ‘pretty hacked off’ by the theft of his bicycle, Laura’s bureau is not asking the obvious questions (ex-laxed or choreographed; will Dave get his bike back?). Instead, the question that the bureau can’t keep under its lid is where all the corpses of the dead flying ants have gone now that flying ant day is over. Laura’s bureau is a thought leader in the funerals of insects and will soon be filling up with Fly Funeral, Laura’s in-progress novel about fried chicken, London’s -hams and cream fingers.



Laura’s bureau is a bit quiet
July 22, 2008, 4:21 pm
Filed under: the bureau

Maybe it is the residue of the carpet glue.



Laura’s bureau is at home
July 21, 2008, 3:24 pm
Filed under: fly funeral, the bureau

Laura’s bureau has found a new home. After years of neglect and carpet-based abuse, the bureau was bought by a little gnome. He left it out one Saturday morning on the Golborne Road, where it found one loving new owner with a new study and a novel to write…